Except for Monday

(Post originally written Sun Apr 17, 2016)

Thanks to my Amazon Prime account, I have over 1300 songs on my phone playlist—that's about 70 hours of music. I think some songs I have downloaded have never made it through the rotation of actually being played. This morning while I was driving home, after spending last evening with my family and extended family remembering my dad who passed away last year... Two songs came on consecutively that I honestly didn't even remember that I had downloaded. They were two songs that I've always enjoyed singing along with… but this morning they held a special soul cleansing.

The first was a song by Patty Loveless, “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”. If you've never heard the song, it starts out talking about moving away as a child and leaving your dear friend behind, and then it progresses to a husband and wife that are divorcing and the struggles that go with it. The final verse speaks of the passing of her mother and the quiet moments between them.

The chorus of the song carries through each of the verses:

Mama whispered softly, 

Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, 

nothing ever stays the same

And she said, 

How can I help you to say goodbye
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye

Wow.

Think about life. Think of all the changes you have gone through. There's good, there's bad… there's the things you wish you'd never had to go through… but it is all part of the process, part of our life cycle.

How do we deal with these changes and deal with the pain that often goes hand in hand? Our friends, our family… and for me, a great big part is my faith.

Those of you that have known me (and my family) for the last several years know that our life hasn't been a storybook tale. We've spent more days in a calendar year living out of hotel rooms than our own home so that our family could get the medical care that was needed. We cared for someone in our own home who many think had to have been a difficult choice for me to do (I will talk more about this in another journal, but trust me… it was by far the right thing to do, and I would do it again if faced with similar circumstances). I've seen my husband struggle medically and have the fear in my heart that he wasn't going to survive. We've been through illnesses of our parents, and we’ve been through losing two of them within less than 8 months of each other. But, in perspective… life really is about all those changes.

So how do we adjust? How do we move on? How do we cope? The line in the song I mentioned above states ‘it's OK to hurt and it's OK to cry’ speaks volumes. We do have to allow these feelings to surface, but I also have to add that it is OK to laugh as well. During our most difficult times I always found humor in the circumstances which we were dealt. My love of laughter and my faith in God are critical in my daily survival. I was reminded a couple months ago of a particular bible verse when I was sharing about my past to a new friend:

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
                -Proverbs 17:22

Again, Wow.

Humor really is an important criteria of the healing part of life’s challenges. Being able to look back and reflect and find the happy moments and the fun memories, the simple joy in life is key to getting through. However, we must not forget that we need the help of others as well. The final line of the verse from the song says ‘how can I help you to say goodbye’. We have to acknowledge that we can not go through this journey of life on our own. We need each other. God works through people and brings them into our life to cross our paths for many reasons. To accept those crossed paths and to find friendship amongst the struggle is part of God's great plan for us. Hold those random friendships that speak to you, in ways no other friendship has, dear to your heart. That person was brought into your life for you both to help each other. There is a reason for the unexpected friendships.

Now the second song that played, well… it is not as heartfelt as the first, but the overall gist of the song really fits where my heart is at in dealing with the first anniversary of the death of my father. For me, it is appropriate that I find a song that has a little bit of humor mixed in with the lyrics, yet sums up how I think I am doing with it all. Lorrie Morgan's song “Except For Monday” was the song that followed. For those that don't know the song, it's an upbeat song about a relationship breakup and how the gal has moved on (or so she tries to pretend) and is rejoicing in her new found freedom by living it up and enjoying life. She is telling her ex about how good she is doing and how much happiness she has now in her life… well, not really because on the chorus of this song, she changes her spiel a little as she leads into the chorus at the end of each verse by saying how good her new life is and then says:

Except for Monday, which was never good anyway
Tuesday, I get a little sideways
Wednesday, I feel better, just for spite
Thursday and Friday take too long
Before I know it, Saturday's gone
But it's Sunday now
And you can bet that I'm alright.

Isn't that kind of what grieving is about? We try to convince ourselves about how well we are dealing with things and then suddenly reality hits and we'll we get in our funk. Those pesky days of the week come along and every day we are reminded about how difficult our challenges are and how much we miss our loved ones…

Tomorrow, Monday April 18th, 2016, will be a difficult day emotionally for me as it will be one year since my dad passed. I know I am bound to have my tears. I'm likely to have puffy eyes and, quite honestly, look like some kind of train wreck hit me. But I also know that this will be a time that I will reflect back on those fun times and memories we had together. I am certain I will have many wonderful laughs and probably even a few uncontrollable giggles as I hash through the roughly 40 years I got to spend with my Dad.

So like Patty Loveless and Lorrie Morgan sing about, overall I'm doing well, I know in my heart that life is always going to change and my faith and my friends are going to be here for me each day of the week…. And for that I am thankful for, I couldn't do it without you.

God's peace and love to you.

Just one more breakfast please...

(Post was originally written Apr 13, 2016~just being added to the blog today)

A year ago today I got up and handled the Monday morning the same way as I had been doing over the last several months. It had become our routine. Got the kids off to school. Went and picked up my dad and took him to the clinic for labs and then went out for breakfast at Kunnari's. This had become our regular routine 2-3 times a week. We knew based on his labs from the week before that his end was coming near... however, I didn't know that this would be my last time going for breakfast with him. If I had known, I would have taken pictures, recorded his voice... told him over and over how much I loved him and that he meant the world to me...
These 'breakfast dates' were something I had come to cherish for many years... something I've always treasured. After his retirement we got to do it more often. Sometimes out to eat, sometimes he'd come to my house. Once the leukemia took hold, our 'dates' became more frequent. These last two weeks as I am reminded of all these 'lasts' my heart realizes how much we all miss him. I thought I was going to handle this 'last' week so much better than I have. As I write this, I am sitting in my car trying to get myself to go into Kunnari's to have breakfast alone. I chose to go alone as I wanted it to be a time to reflect on the journey of life. My tears began before I had even left my street and well anyone who knows me... they haven't stopped.

After several minutes of being here sitting in my car, and a quick glance in the rear view mirror at my reflection I've come to two conclusions... 1. I'm probably not going to make it inside for breakfast as my eyes and make-up are a disaster..at  least I won't be going in anytime soon... 2. Most importantly I am reminded that life unlike a rear view mirror is not meant for us to focus only on the past. We are meant to look out the windshield and take all the new in. It's not that we are to forget about our past and events and people...it is actually a good idea to look back occasionally, but if we are only focusing on the rear view mirror, we might miss the gifts that God gives us as constant reminders of our loved ones.

I've questioned in life if I would want to have knowledge that my time is coming to an end or not. I've come to the conclusion that it is best to live each day as it is my last... to leave no wished words unsaid, to forgive and reconcile difficult relationships, to never hold a grudge, to say I love you because I mean it... not as a reflexive habitual thing to say. The love of a true friendship is truly the greatest love of all.

...and as a final note and after a quick stop back at home, I think I'll make it inside for a much later than planned 'breakfast'... 😀